Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What We've Been Missing: a digression

It's not suicide food. In fact, we can't muster the kind of charitable sensibility required to call it food of any kind. Regardless, this is the "food" we've been "missing" from our diet these many yearning years.

The sources of the photos have been intentionally omitted. If you recognize an image as originating with your company, and if you would like to confess, contact us and we will include your name.

And now, time for us to eat our heart out. Oh, the professionally prepared glories we could be enjoying!

Sick on a paper plate. This is either some kind of barbecued experiment gone wrong or a last-minute save that prevented Tiger from vomiting on the carpet.

An unidentifiable, charred horror. Next to the vibrant, living green, red, and yellow of the bell peppers, the mummified main course would appear to be evidence of arson. (It is, purportedly, a pig's shoulder.)

This one? A baked potato (go on, we're listening), under a butterglob (never mind), a sprinkling of pencil shavings (?), and a scoop of congealed nasty. Sure. No.

Sweep up tire scraps from the shoulder of I-90. Add bleach and let bake in a laundry hamper for two to three months. Deposit scraps on piece of white bread.

And? And then what? Eat it?!

Conclusion: We wouldn't eat this stuff with someone else's mouth. Nice try, meat makers.


mkb said...

that second one looks delicious!

Zucchini Breath said...

I just horked all over my keyboard.

Anonymous said...

Meat Makers? Wouldn't that be the animals? Perhaps you meant something that implicated the preparers rather than the actual mommy and daddy animals.

Anonymous said...

obviously the food should have been bought to their attetion that it was cooked like that. I have gone to his trailer many many times. The people there are so friendly and everything and I mean everything comes out just perfect! I ordered the beef brisket my husband ordered the rack of ribs. we loved it. The mash potatoes were our sides and it must have been the first time we ever tasted potatoes like these.. just the best in new york!

lilly delonge

Holli said...

I've read through all the articles in the archive, and it never ceases to amuse me when a self-professed vegan talks about how disgusting a particular meat product is ... Isn't that a bit like someone who doesn't like rap reviewing a 50 cent album? That being said ... ick. These things look pretty gross.

Becci said...

Haha, ew--even when I ate meat (and believe me, I loved me some meat, unfortunately) I wouldn't have touched these things. Gross! It reminds me of that, Gallery of Regrettable Foods.

Bea Elliott said...

Certainly the scorched dead animal carcass next to the beautiful fresh veggies says it all - You're right... I wouldn't eat this stuff with anyone's mouth...(please insert barf smiley here).

Anonymous said...

Holli: not quite. More like someone who doesn't like rap reviewing some really terrible failed attempt at a rap album! Becci: I concur. Surely the most Lilekian of Suicide Food posts.

Ben said...

Wait, wait. "Self-professed" vegan? Is that like a "card-carrying" vegan?