NRV

We are proud to present the winner of Suicide Food's first-ever George Orwell Award for Excellence in Distorting Language and Generally Making Us Feel Like We Need to Sit Down in a Quiet Room (the "Georgie" for short).

Do the fine folks of NRV take care of calves naturally by providing a safe and enriching environment for calves and their mothers to bond and grow? Yes, of course! Which is to say, no, of course not.

In "naturally" taking care of calves, NRV has made it their business to manufacture "replacement" milk for them. That is, a substitute for the mother's milk the calves would naturally drink.

And why? Because the milk produced by their mothers is already spoken for. The calves have only a natural—not a spiritual/economic—claim on it. The milk already belongs to those who manufactured the calves' mothers.

This stuff is evaluated on the basis of everything you might expect—fat and protein content, and even taste, but also on the basis of so much more. For instance, at NRV's own lab, they can analyze the "meat color status" of the calves! (Take that, your mind!) This must be the detail that has their mascot smiling.

Naturally.

Uncaged—Yes on Proposition 2

Before we get down to business, we must mention two things:

1) California residents, please do vote Yes on Proposition 2, the farm animal welfare bill on the November 2008 ballot.

2) While you're at it, consider voting Yes on the Little Old Lady Protection Act. LOLPA would outlaw pushing little old ladies down the stairs before mugging them. Although LOLPA has garnered much support, some detractors see in it an unnecessary restriction on personal liberty. Rest assured, LOLPA does not prohibit mugging of the elderly and would not prevent you from continuing to assault and rob anyone.

Which brings us to Uncaged. This animated Yes-on-2 production stars a pig singing a Proposition 2–related version of Stevie Wonder's classic Superstitious.




The cause is worthy. The message is repulsive and winds up recapitulating major themes of the suicidefoodist movement. The animals do not object to being raised for food, to being transformed even before their birth into a commodity. No, that is a foundational component of being an animal, and they are foursquare in favor of that. They take issue only with the specifics of their subjugation.







One might have supposed that people devoted to the welfare (if not the freedom) of animals would have preferred a less ugly approach. Was it necessary to show rows of pigs cheering as our singer/pig Sty-vie Wonder requests pleasanter confinement? Or ranks of thumbs-upping chickens pleased to be referred to as "food"? Or a veal calf (one of the "calves you will be eatin'") relieved only to stop "livin' in [its] poo"?







Back to the (imaginary) Little Old Ladies Protection Act. Just as Prop 2 calls for what should be uncontroversially humane treatment of livestock, LOLPA calls for people not to push little old ladies down flights of stairs. Who but the psychopathological could oppose such a measure?

Say that pro-LOLPA advocacy groups produced a snappy animated number. In it, darling little old cartoon ladies asked simply, "Before you mug us, please don't shove us down the stairs." Would that give you pause?

"When you mug us, you don't need to hug us! Just don't! Push! Us! Down! The! Staaairs!" Would you wonder, "Why is grandma okay with the idea of getting mugged in the first place? Couldn't they find another way of presenting their case?"

So it is with Uncaged. Surely there is a way to express support for the measure without showing animals explicitly endorsing its of-course-animals-are-still-going-to-be-killed-and-eaten presupposition.

(Thanks to Dr. Gennifer for the referral.)






Addendum: If you live in California, please do vote Yes on Prop 2. Thank you.

Happy Vealantine's Day!

Egregious.

A veal calf, symbol of the deprivation endured by innocent "food" animals, made the spokesman for fawning, selfless love? Bah! Ebenezer Scrooge would have picked a new holiday to spurn had he seen this card.

Need it be said that the object of our calf's affection is not a dainty she-calf, or an animal rights activist? Nor even an animal welfare activist? Nor anyone remotely concerned with his well-being? But instead, of all things, a farm boy, agent of the system established to destroy generations of "veal" calves?

O, calumny! O, outrage!

Never before have we seen innocence itself so trampled, much as the calf symbolically tramples his own heart. (Do these offenses against purity come close?) Childhood is here targeted. And reason. And wisdom. And every other good and gracious quality we hope to find in the hearts of mankind.

The intended message: The calf forgives you and wants only the requital of his love. Yes, you read that right. The calf forgives you.

We like to imagine this on the back of the card:

Muscles are red,
Lung tissue is blue.
Eat me up now
And keep me with you.

Please suggest your own (in)appropriate rhymes in our comments section.

(Thanks to Dr. Mac for the referral. Image source.)