Pleasantville Pig Out

Compare if you will the name Pleasantville with the gruesomely spot-on barbecue-related town names we've seen in the past, like Boiling Springs Lake and Hardball Farms. While those toponyms put it all out there—the pain, the anguish—Pleasantville is coy. Pleasant. Does this look pleasant?

The pig in his barbecue grill jail, the flames swelling at his back—that's pleasant?

Well, for him, it probably is. We lost our heads for a minute. This isn't one of our scheduled Festivals of Cruelty, wherein the animals are truly terrorized and hounded to the brink of death and beyond.

This is party time. The animals are honored guests, proud for the chance to die and experience the oblivion they've spent their lives pursuing.

Beaux Hawg BBQ

It's called the Good Life, all right?

A martini, a fine cigar. Good food, good friends. And when the good food is the good friends, so much the better.

The good pig is an instant archetype, a down-home bon vivant. He smiles at his own good fortune, shrugging in lieu of explanation.

After they've experienced everything life has to offer, they'll hoist themselves onto the barbecue. Indeed, today is a good day to die.








Addendum: Yes, sir. From Kansas to Florida, the good pig is living it up, for the time being.

Special Report: Pig Logo Exposé 11

We're ready to dive back into the world of recycled pig logos. Review, won't you, the last time we indulged our inexplicable penchant for RPE (Repetitious Porcine Emblemology).





























































































(From left to right, by row: Lillie's, Northwest Tennessee Battle of the Pigs BBQ & Car Show, Get Your Pig On; Gourmet Grills, Holy Smokes BBQ Festival, In Hog Heaven BarBQue; Shawn's Smokehouse BBQ, Que-by-the-Sea, Pork U; BBQ Pit Boss, Louisiana State Championship Bowie BBQ Duel & Festival, Microwave Pork Puffies; Greet American BBQ Tour, Bixby BBQ 'n Music, BBQ Bonanza; Eagle BBQ Cook-Off and Spudfest, Giggly Pig BBQ Team, BBQ Throwdown.)

The hallmarks of the breed are the burly forearms and intricate nostrils. True, some examples of Burly (as he is hereby designated) are missing those two f-hole nostrils, but all appear to boast forearms of Popeye proportions. He also always (so far!) sports a bandanna or an apron. Unless those are overalls. It's clear that somewhere in his evolution, Burly split into two variants: the elbow-on-the-bar glad-hander and the dimwitted cowboy.

We'll be watching this one.

Addendum (12/16/11): And here are Burly specimens #19–22.

Don't think this is actually Burly? We admit it's not a perfect example of the form. But look at the curlicue nostrils. Never forget the curlicue nostrils.

Pigs with Banjos

It's the newest thing in not rocking the boat! The perfect accessory for the pig striving to maintain the status quo. Exactly what any ambitious lickspittle needs to send those nagging thoughts of independence into the darkness of forgetfulness. The banjo is just what the doctor ordered for pigs to while away those tedious afternoons spent on, you know, being alive.








You just, like, give the strings a little pluck and—plink!—the desire to live another day floats off into the gentle breeze.


Plink! There goes that ol' dignity.













Plink! And self-respect.














Plink-a-plink-a-plink! And that troubling sanity. With that, the pigs have finally achieved their most exalted state: meat.


















Addendum: Ready for a chicken with a banjo? There's this feller from a few years back!

South Park Rib & Wing Challenge

Again the idols are cast down. Knocked from their pedestals, they are dashed to the floor, ensmithereened. First the pirates were emasculated. Then the bikers. In turn, the cowboys, the boxers, the superheroes, and still other he-man archetypes were fettered and enfeebled.

So it is with a mild sense of disgust—yes, we still have a supply of disgust, even if we ration it with more care than in the past—that we take in these (ahem) rockers. When such stalwart symbols of reckless hedonism and bull-headed individuality can be so thoroughly tamed, we are all diminished. Even the power of freedom—the very possibility of defiance—is tenuous.

There they are, crooning into a microphone-bone, bashing out power chords on a meatar (not the first we've seen, mind you: check out addenda 7 and 9 here), and just generally uncooling up the place.

Instead of singing for their supper, they and the other rockers we've presented over the years sing to become supper. Instead of a thorn in The Man's side, rock 'n' roll becomes The Man's servant. Instead of issuing a challenge to the status quo, howling with the pain of the oppressed, the hungry, the stifled, the shut-down, the fed-up, the bored, and the ignored, they bow at the waist.

Introduction to HACCP

Welcome to the heady world of HACCP! You civilians out there can just call it "Hassup" and appreciate that it stands for the sinister Hazard Analysis and Critical Control Points.

You might also appreciate that, as with virtually every other concern that involves the disposition of dead animals, cows and pigs think it's the greatest thing since sliced meat!

In an exchange that neatly transforms a supermarket into a house of horrors, a pig confronts a physician/steer on his day off.

PIG: "I know you are an expert in meat. Maybe you can give me some advice on choosing fresh meat."

Okay. Already, we just… Huh? For the first of many times, we ask ourselves, "What purpose is served by having these characters portrayed by animals?" One is a shopper, the other a doctor. Why couldn't they be a human shopper and an equally human doctor?

DR. BULL: "Yes, we usually eat beef, but I feel like eating pork today."

Which makes the conversation approximately 23 times more awkward than it already was.

And now the science begins.

DR. BULL (pointing to the heavens, wellspring of everything holy and pure): "This is how we can have healthy and delicious U.S. meat."

Because "food" animals, destined to short, perfunctory lives before their transformation into full-blown consumer commodity, really care about this stuff.

Fast forward to Slaughter—Phase 2:
1. Clean carcasses with hot water.
2. Sterilize carcasses with organic acid.

PIG: "You are very welcome to join my US meat feast tonight! And many thanks for your explanation about HACCP."




And then: "Chilling."

Yes, it certainly is.

Watch the whole stilted thing for yourself, if you must.

(Thanks to Drs. Alan and Dan for the referral.)