Saturday, March 29, 2008

Kansas City T-Bones

From the grim stockyards and meat processing plants of the heartland come the Kansas City T-Bones. They’re not only the perfect counterparts to the Omaha Beef football squad, they’re also another textbook example of Ironic Aggressor Sublimation, a doctrine even we are growing tired of explaining.

The identification with the victim—and not merely a victim, but a slaughtered and butchered victim, an Edible Martyr—appears illogical. Aren’t sports designations meant to inspire unity within and dread without? The Giants must be mighty, the Vikings ruthless, and the Lions without fear. And the T-Bones? What of the T-Bones?

They must be… dead? Mere parts, disembodied and utterly nonthreatening! Where is the appeal? How does such a name stoke fan loyalty or the necessary killer instict among the players?

Look beyond sport. The meaning of the T-Bones cannot be found on the diamond. It exists solely within the cult of suicidefoodism, where man’s vaunted, yet precarious authority must be defended, reinforced, endlessly celebrated. By assuming the guise of the defeated, the T-Bones proclaim their belief that their supremacy is self-evident—a statement only the victor can afford to make.

Still, to the unbeliever, the T-Bones name is a failure, transparent in its desperation.

Strike One: The T-Bones mascot is named Sizzle, a moniker intended to invoke the victim. Why then is he shown at bat, with such grit and determination? Are we meant to quail at the sight of this, this food? It arouses only pity. And disgust.

Strike Two: T-Bones merchandise can be purchased in the online "meat locker." The T-Bones don't go all-out with the dead animal theme, the way the Omaha Beef do, but it's still unsettling.

Strike Three: The T-Bones children’s club is the bizarrely apostrophed 'Lil Chops. We will never understand the urge to cast children in the role of foodstuffs. (See here and here.)

T-Bones? Yer out!

(Thanks to Dr. Ted for the referral.)


downhillmtb said...

Thank you for your informational blog. You helped me find some good new brands and restaurants that I would like to try. You say, "the animals aren't complaining" with great sarcasm. But guess what...plants are living things too and you don't here THEM complaining either. Plants are living things too. But it's ok, it's all part of the circle of life. You would expect lions on the savanah to quit hunting antelope so why do you expect humans to stop consuming meat? It's been a part of our species since the beginning of time. Deal with it. You are wasting time with this website because it's not going to change anything. People are going to keep eating all kinds of meat long after you're gone.

Anonymous said...

the above commenter is a jackass

Anonymous said...

My kid's nickname is T-Bone and he loves the KC T-Bones..wears their stuff all the time! Also, every time we are at the butcher- yes, a real honest-to-goodness butcher who will cut you off any piece you want from a variety of carcasses- they print off "T-Bone Steak" stickers and put them on his shirt- it's adorable!!