Mae's Phinney Ridge Cafe

Mae's Phinney Ridge Café of Seattle should be proud to have such a devoted spokescow!

We know you don't require any pointers in the art of suicidefoodism analysis, but we thought this graphic might be too small. And so we took the liberty of highlighting all the menu items that might unsettle a normal (or simply less devoted) cow:

Hot Meat Loaf Sandwich, Chicken Fried Steak, Old-Fashioned Homemade Beef Stew, Cousin Ray's Chili Con Carne, and Mae's Famous Reuben (with corned beef).

And that's just lunch!

Reminiscent of the monstrous (and presumably all-powerful) pig of the Ye Olde Cherry Tree, Mae's cow has superpowers—see her flying to the rescue? And yet she does nothing to put an end to this madness! Instead, she stands four-square in defense of The System!

Can you read what the far-out cow is saying up there? It's precious in a suicidefoodistic way: "No Substitutions, Please." Could anything better encapsulate our message? Not only does the cow preside over the menu—overseeing the proceedings, as it were—but she will allow no deviation from the carefully planned carnage. The System will not be questioned!

We don't know whether this hippie cow is the same cow—and, truthfully, we don't care. Because whether Sunglasses, Superhero, and Cool-out are but manifestations of the One True Beef or three different characters in a cast of thousands, the fact remains that something wrong is going on. Then again, it's the same wrong something we've seen over and over again.