Thursday, February 22, 2007

Doc Miller's Original Turkey Hook

Meet the Doc Miller's Original Turkey Hook turkey! A more florid case of Turkey Derangement Syndrome you will never find. This bird's uniform bears the face of the man who has perfected "the finest hook available today for deep frying" turkeys. The "doctor" is a one-man crusade in the War on Turkeys, and what does this bird do? Parades around shilling for him, laying down the soft-sell wherever he goes. "No, no, you don't understand. Doc Miller loves us turkeys!" (And then, inevitably, under his breath: "You bet he does. Slathered in gravy, that is!") And then: "What's that? Nothing! Just remembering something funny Doc Miller once told me! So! Can I sign you all up?"

There's a word for this sort of disciple: fanatic. A slave to the Cult of Personality, he beams, glassy-eyed. His arms are open wide, inviting you into the fold. (Arms? Has he had his wings amputated and replaced with arms in order to more closely resemble the Good Doctor?) His worldview is as warped as a wattle and he needs more converts, ever more fellows to endure the Hook.

And what of the Hook? Many are the benefits it confers upon its charges!

  • "[Yo]u can effortlessly screw apart the hook for easy removal from the bird. This way you don't have to handle that hot bird!"
  • "The hook keeps the bird from floating to the top...."
  • "The top of the hook will easily slide around a broom handle or wooden dowel...."

    Harken to the trumpets! Is it any wonder a bird would devote his life to a product capable of such glory? (Remember that the bird in question is severely unbalanced and quite probably psychotic.)

    Alas, that shot of Doc Miller's O.T.H. in action might as well be erotica to our poor turkey. Console yourself with this final thought: his disordered mind will soon be at peace—crisp, flavorful peace.

    Addendum (9/22/07): Of course, with a logo this good, you knew you'd see it elsewhere.

    Addendum 2 (10/23/07): And again.

    Addendum 3 (11/22/07): The best one yet, this one from a company selling turkey calls! (Get it? Tomfoolery? And they fool poor ol' Tom Turkey? Oh, mercy!)

  • 1 comment:

    Zena said...

    Arms! How many times have I looked at a cartoon of a bird and not thought a thing about the arms? I didn't notice the arms on this turkey until Ben pointed them out! Now that's crazy, because birds do not have arms and hands! I've been armwashed, er... handwashed.