Sunday, August 24, 2008

Burger King Cheesy Bacon Tendercrisp

Warning: The following discussion could lead to brain damage.

A certain recent advertisement has the power to send impotent rationality back to its hated realm.

Shocking disclosure: The ad is for a Burger King product.

Who would have thought Burger King, of all animal-adoring institutions, would inspire a degenerate advertisement?

The commercial in question is a shrine dedicated to debasement. Hogs scampering smilingly onto the killing floor? Chickens volunteering for target practice? Steers enamored of their own enslavement? Ho-hum. What commonplace perversion. We have opened files on hundreds of those animals.

No, Burger King gives us a real pro, a true believer, a hard-core devotee of the suicidefoodist movement. On to the commercial:

A nebbishy nobody enjoys a burger in his car at the local Makeout Point. He is alone. This is merely the first horrific detail. (Does he love his sandwich? You know, love love it? Sexually?) Before we can ponder that for too long, a cow appears in the headlights. The man is nervous. The cow is an avenging spirit, sent to cast the cow-eater into fiery torment for his vicious crimes against—

No. She's there because she's… jealous. The man has betrayed her trust by having sex with eating the meat of another. Yes, the cow's rage is the rage of the jilted lover. Hell hath no fury like a woman cow scorned uneaten. Aglow with righteousness, she exacts vengeance by ramming the man's car—with him in it—over a cliff.

To make sure you get the right message, the announcer intones: "Chicken so good, you'll cheat on beef."

This is the vilest conflation of sex and violence we have ever seen. There's nothing for us to do now but vomit.

(Thanks to Drs. Jared and Mary for the referral.)


enviro said...

"How dare you not kill me, grind me into unrecognizable mush and then eat me! Have you no soul! Stick a knife in me, dammit!"

Is this how meat lovers really think? I haven't been one in so long, I'd really like to know.

giselle said...

Most of us don't.... but I wonder at advertising executives and the corporate jerks who approve the logos and ads.

Bea Elliott said...

Another brilliant review and dissection of the animal/meat industry's propaganda! "Cheat on beef" indeed! Nothing like trading one piece of carcass for another.Right?
Ben - thanks for your witty perspectives! Always enjoyed!

Canaduck said...

There's a new version of this commercial where (I think) the guy is supposed to be in a hotel room, "cheating" on beef. Once again the cow is very upset about not getting eaten and comes to enact revenge.

Robert Dole said...

Yeah and it's not even that good.

Dennis said...

Well said!

Anonymous said...

I loved this commercial and was truly sad when the sandwich sucked. It's okay beef, I'm back, I won't stray again.

Anonymous said...

Your job as a future mother is to learn the god's ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today's society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today's environment.
Your ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don't want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don't be deceived into thinking that is the goal.

Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today's modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust. They used this Situation to bury Japanese atrocities.
It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL "Second Coming of Christ", while the "fake" Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
What I teach is the god's true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian "consolation prize" of "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" begins.

The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god's positioning proves they work to prevent people's understanding.
How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
I believe much as the Noah's Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for "1000 years with Jesus on Earth".
In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine "cures" aging, the "manufacture" of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to "die off", literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of planet's history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial "apple" of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.
Which one is it?:
One transitions into the other, allowing the gods to wash their hands of obligation to their Chosen One. My personal "consolation prize".
And since the gods never committed despite tens of billions in mass media, product development and natural disasters/tragedy they will employ the freedom they positioned into the Situation and CHEAT me out of everything.

Burger King fucked up very, very badly when they began to cook off-site.

Ben said...

Breath-taking! I think the last line sums it up. What it sums up, exactly, we have no idea.