Zaxby's Kidz Club

This, we are given to understand, is Little Zach, the Zaxby's Kidz Club chicken. (He wishes to be called LZ.) Like this fine young poultry, Zach is in touch with Generation Z! He is both radical and extreme, in a family-friendly kind of way. Skateboarding is not a crime! (Know what we mean, kids?)

It's easy to see why Zaxby’s has the kids’ chicken business locked up in the Southeast! They’ve got this sporty chicken offering up his very flesh (or at least his, um, fingers). And, proving they are one with kid culture, they’ve got Z’s to spare. Mealz, kidz, fingerz. And that’s just on this one page! Dig deeper and you turn up zaladz, party platterz, and zappetizers. Clearly, they are out to "own" the letter Z, the hippest and most youthful of letters!

Oh, we've had a grand laugh, but may we—please!—be serious? LZ is the vanguard of a new menace! How did we miss the signs? This cocky young cock demonstrates the power of suicidefoodism. If you were attempting to appeal to children, would you show them a "food animal" version of themselves? Would you taunt them so, saying, in effect, "This being you're about to tear apart is like you, with pleasures and habits like yours"? Or the less genteel "What can be done to the chicken can be done to you"? Of course not. Because you would fear such a monstrous comparison. You would, reasonably, assume that your customers would be put off, if not worse, on beholding such an unadorned truth. Civilization prefers its truths costumed in deception.

Zaxby's, but one example of the Movement—sees no need for such niceties. No, they just shove the chicken-kid in human-kids' faces and say, "Eat up!" And—baffling terrors!—they do. They are not put off. They zalivate, their appetitez inflamed. It shouldn't be, but it iz.

The suicidefoodists are laughing. Their power intoxicates them.