Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Healthy Buffalo

Welcome, fight fans, to tonight's big bout!

In a minute, the competitors should be entering the auditorium and making their way to the…

Yes! I see the challenger—Healthy Buffalo! They call him the Prairie Powerhouse, the Plains Pummeler, the Bison Mike Tyson!

He's in purple wrist and ankle tufts tonight and that stainless steel mind-the-farmer ring. Those trademark sunglasses reflecting the glare of a thousand camera flashes. At the weigh-in just minutes ago he clocked in at a crushing 625 pounds.

I think I can grab him for a quick interview. Healthy! Over here, Healthy! Tell us, how are you feeling tonight? How do you think the fight's going to go?

"I think we all know the night's gonna go my way."

What's your strategy?

"First, I'm gonna let him tenderize me in the brisket area."

Let him tire himself out, huh?

"Tire himself out? No, no. I need tenderizing. It's vital to the process."

Sure, sure, it is. Seriously, Healthy, when you get those muscles of yours working—

"I'm glad you mentioned that. These muscles, they're leaner than beef. I might be marbleized, but my fat content is considerably lower!"

Healthy, you have a fight in only… 10 minutes. You better get your head in the game.

"Don't worry about me. I didn't train for years just to blow my big break."

That's the Healthy Buffalo I know!

"Damn straight. It all comes down to tonight. I'm gonna step into that ring and show him—show the world—who the tastiest ruminant is!"

I don't think I understand.

"This is for all the exotic livestock. Buffaloes, ostriches. Even alligators. Okay! Let's do this. Let's get buried!"

You mean you… You want to lose?

"Lose? I'm not gonna lose. I'm gonna get slaughtered out there!"

Slaughtered? But you're the Bison Mike Tyson!

"No one gets taken down harder or butchered better than Healthy Buffalo! You watching, Boar? Venison? I made it, fellas! This is it!"

I don't believe what I'm hearing! In a few minutes, you're competing for the heavyweight title, but all you can think about is—

"The Suicide Food Federation heavyweight title."

The what?

"The Suicide Food Federation title."

That's tonight? I thought that was tomorrow. Isn't today Wednesday?

"It's Thursday."

Are you sure? Okay, well. Go out there and get your brains beaten in, big guy!

"Thanks, man!"

I hope he mops the floor with you!

"Bet on it!"

Addendum (12/05/07): We have found a worthy opponent for Healthy Buffalo: Champ, the Champs Real Pit Bar-B-Q champ! Can you imagine the total lack of fireworks if these two brawlers ever faced each other?

Addendum 2 (12/22/07): Now here is the anti-fighter who should go up against Healthy Buffalo—the Mingua Brothers All Natural Beef Jerky bull! Which one will hit the canvas first?

Addendum 3 (3/08/08): Apparently, pugilist bovines occupy an established niche. (This one exists as part of some kind of game, not an icon advertising cow meat products.)

Addendum 4 (9/29/08): Let's hear it for the Pugnacious Paragon of Poultry, Champ Chicken! Of course, he's not so pugnacious that he'll, you know, fight the people who would kill and eat him. He's actually a lover victim, not a fighter. (Thanks to Dr. Holley for the referral and photo.)

Addendum 5 (1/15/10): The Cow Puncher is ready to take on every bovine palooka in the joint!

Addendum 6 (6/30/11): Cows Beefs love to box brawl...

Addendum 7 (6/30/11): ... even in jerky form.

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