Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Festival of Cruelty 2

Our 100th post! And what better way to commemorate such an august milestone than with another look into the pit of depravity that exists on the outskirts of Meat-Eater Land? (Or is it located in its very heart?) You will remember our first Festival of Cruelty.

We leave behind the cognitive dissonance of suicide food—just for a moment—and enter an even bleaker, blacker-hearted place. These animals are not doing to themselves; they are done to. Steel yourself, bring along a loved one for strength (and a reminder that goodness still dwells in the world, somewhere), and let's proceed.

Big Country Weekend Calf Fry: Come on down to Vinita, Oklahoma, self-proclaimed calf-fry capital of the world! What do you mean you don't want to? How can you resist the look of pure, bowel-loosening fear on that cute calf's face? They'll make that baby animal beg for his life! And then they'll tear him apart with their bare hands and eat him! It's wholesome family fun.

Choke-n-Poke Meat Smokers: The natural animosity we feel for this cigar-chomping pig is mitigated only a little by the knowledge that he will get his soon enough. (What is it with meat-eaters and their chicken-choking symbology? Yes, you have seen it before. Here, for instance. And here.) Has there ever been a more obnoxious spokesman for the animal-eating movement? He strangles, he brands, all while shooting us the smuggest look you ever saw. Even the vegans relish the thought of his painful demise.

Porky's Pickle: Oh, what a pickle Porky has gotten himself into! Yep, this clumsy pig has fallen into the cauldron and he has no one to blame but himself. Squeal all you want, piggy—they're not letting you out. For its mean-spirited blame-the-victim aesthetic—if not for its draftsmanship—this logo is a real "winner."

Mad Cows BBQ: Mad cows? More like heartless and satanic cows. This one is just plain evil. The Dark Cud-chewing One has plucked an innocent piglet from the sty and prepares to take him to his murderous hell. And we're meant to identify not with the sinless babe, but instead with... the cow?

Pig Tales Newsletter: The masthead of the official organ of the North Carolina Barbecue Society is graced with an altogether offensive logo. From the terrified pig to the single-minded, cleaver-waving Chief Kill-um-All, this one is stomach churning.

Blue Springs Blaze Off: Simplicity itself. A pig, exhausted by fear and pain, leaps above the flames, knowing that his heart will soon give out. Look at him. He is jumping up and down in the fire, his trotters, his legs, his hindquarters all charred. Is the entire Blue Springs Blaze Off (Blue Springs, MO) this vicious? According to their website, "[t]he Blue Springs Barbeque Blaze Off received a special honor in 1989 when Governor John Ashcroft proclaimed the contest a Missouri State Championship." No comment.


Anonymous said...

Can't cope! can't cope! Who do you have to sleep with to get out of the human race??????????

Unknown said...

Your hilarity makes me hunger for hams!!!

Anonymous said...

sick, sick, sick, sick.

Is sadism a sauce for some people??

I must go puke now.

Anonymous said...

But wait! - the animals have to step up their dance of attraction, because there's now a diet pill which the customers of their flesh can take WHICH MAKES THEIR FAT RUN RIGHT THROUGH!
Yes, indeed - having ingested the fat of the animals' bodies, just to keep them happy, these poor mortal folk have to get rid of the fat - no trouble is too much to comply with the animals' death wish!

Anonymous said...

Is that really an Indian headdress? It could be a poorly drawn fluted chef's hat. The coat looks more like a chef's than an Indian's. But I don't know about the bedroom slippers and striped pants.

Anonymous said...

just think about the "artist" having to draw the lines in the flesh which simulate binding - or 3rd degree burns.......bypassing any sense of what it must feel like, he/she presses on regardless.......