Monday, July 23, 2007


Easy there, pig. If you're overeager, they might just keep walking. Try a little psychology: Instead of tooting away on that ol' earsplitter—that's practically a sonic explosion you're creating, what with those pointy shockwaves and all—try the laid-back approach.

You can't tell from some of the logos we've featured here, but meat-eaters like the hunt, the "thrill" of the "chase." If you're out on the sidewalk hooting away like a carnival barker, they'll figure you're desperate. And how good could a desperate pig taste? "What's he got to be desperate about?" they'll wonder. And they'll have a point. Delicious animals don't have to make a scene.

Yes, you want to be eaten. Of course you do. That's what separates you from your savage cousins, the wildebeest and that grimy bunch. A slow, tortured death is the only thing that can give your crummy life meaning. We understand. We really do.

So stow the whistle, and let your savory aroma sing your praises. Before you know it, you'll have 'em eating your loins out of the palm of your hand.


Anonymous said...

Only one noose? ! - are we getting hardened, here, or what?

Ben said...

We stand corrected.

The succulent slab of death behind the Whistler merits a second noose.