Friday, June 10, 2011

Praise the Lard BBQ

Praise the Lord BBQ draws inspiration from Acts 11: 5-9. On the off chance we need to refresh your memories, here are the verses:
5 “I was in the city of Joppa praying, and in a trance I saw a vision. I saw something like a large sheet being let down from heaven by its four corners, and it came down to where I was. 6 I looked into it and saw four-footed animals of the earth, wild beasts, reptiles and birds. 7 Then I heard a voice telling me, ‘Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.’ 8 “I replied, ‘Surely not, Lord! Nothing impure or unclean has ever entered my mouth.’ 9 “The voice spoke from heaven a second time, ‘Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.’"
Clean! Clean! Rejoice that he is clean! Casting aside the prohibition against eating his flesh like a pestilent shroud, the pig glows with righteousness. Free—for the first time, free, free, gloriously free—free from the burden of that hated injunction, that stain that marked him as unfit, the pig descends from heaven as upon a cloud. The chicken's and cow's expressions might be heathenishly ambiguous—do we see on their faces fear? anxiety? disbelief?—but the pig's heart is strong and pure, like a bell that fills heaven with its peal.

His corruption has been cleansed, his sentence revoked, his disgrace rescinded!

Of all the uses to which religion has been put, the various forms into which it has been trained like a compliant vine, the most comforting by far is this: the cementing of the animals' role as humanity's dull-witted slave, its selfless foundation, the floor upon which it treads.

And lo! The pig looks upward, arms flung wide, in thanks. For now he will be eaten. Even as the cow and chicken, he will be eaten!

5 comments:

stantoro said...

That is some snazzy Biblical exegesis there, Ben! I have now got religion, and my duty to the animals is clear.

Bea Elliott said...

How ironic that with the "clean" and "unclean" animals "gOd" gives "permission" to consume... There's still debate about what is "Halal" or not. I just don't know why they don't admit to themselves that they will make up any "rule" to suit their end goal of animal eating.

So funny - The least spiritual people in the world suddenly become holy rollers when challenged to forgo their meat.

Bless all their narrow little minds.

Ted said...

As the proprietor of Praise the Lard, I am most upset that I didn't score a fifth noose.

Should I try a redesign? Perhaps if I threw a little porcine sexuality in there too; that seems to twist yer knobs. I have used the phrase "Hallow the Tallow" when I cook brisket; Does that earn me any points?

PS In case it matters, all of my sides are vegetarian (I couldn't find a tasty way to go vegan, since cole slaw in the south has to have Duke's Mayonnaise and Mac and Cheese...c'mon, have a heart). Additionally, I carry at least 5% grilled portobellos as a standard vegetarian replacement for those vegetarians in attendance. Disappointing that you don't respect my dietary choices as much as I try to respect yours.

Anywhoo, thanks for the larf, it was much needed

Anonymous said...

...and some darn good Q, too. Keep on cookin' Ted! Thanks! JJ

Bea Elliott said...

Hi Ted! As a chef/cook I'm sure you realize that there's a plethora of options to mayo and the "cheeze" in mac 'n... Many just as tasty... If one has just a minimum of culinary skills. Really, there's nothing that can't be "veganized" to taste just as delicious as the flesh-based food...

As far as respecting people's choices for food - I have no issues with some who eat carrots over peas, or tomatoes over avocados, or tofu over beans... You see - none of these choices demand the execution of a sentient being. That becomes a "choice" with an unwilling third party (the victim)... So, it's very hard to "respect" those decisions that cause death as opposed to those decisions that are trivial. Perhaps that's why you have no problem "respecting" vegans? What's not to respect? Who is it we're harming?

Your portabellos sound delicious though...