Certus

Belgium has arrived!

France, the United Kingdom, the Spanish-speaking world, North America, and Asia have already made a splash in the suicidefood pool.

In the Belgian commercial from which this is a still, two porcine lovers are swept across a canal by a porcine gondolier. The narration, translated: "Certus pigs are treated with extra care. That's why Certus pork is of the highest quality. And you can taste it." (Cue the exuberant kissing, as though his kissing her is analogous to our tasting her meat.) "Guaranteed."


In this spot, a pig has his cares massaged away. The translation: "Certus pigs are treated royally. That way they suffer less from stress. That's why Certus pork is guaranteed to be tender and delicious." At this last declaration—the attestation of the pig's deliciousness—he sighs, as though imagining the luxurious satisfaction his consumer will experience upon eating him.

This represents a classic misdirection so familiar to us all. The pork purveyors equate whatever "processing" the pigs undergo with massages and gondola trips through Venice. Certus pigs are, we are told, less stressed, much like a harried commuter undergoing a soothing massage. They are treated with "extra care," much like a young woman delighting in the romance of the famed Ponte dei Sospiri.

You needn't concern yourself with the pigs! They are lavished with loving attention. Whisked to the world's most serene locales, made the clients of talented masseuses, they are living the high life. Until they… aren't.

(Thanks to Dr. Lethe for the referral and the translations.)