Based on sketchy intelligence reports, we believe we are dealing with the following subjects:
• A lobster sitting on a trap, firing an arrow at an apple and a cow.
• A drunk chicken in a grass skirt.
• Three clams, possibly with knives embedded in their heads.
• A belligerent pig perching in fire.
So far, sure, this is all just another day at the office. (And the scene is remarkably similar to this vision of cheerful bedlam.)
Where things get a little strange is that this surveillance photo is from a U.S. government archive!
Are we witnessing "enhanced interrogation tactics"? Are these crazed "food" animals ours or Charlie's? (Or whatever we call the collective enemy these days.)
What was the image doing in the files of the (not actually) nefarious National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration? (Which it was.) Could it have something to do with top-secret global warming research? A military-agrindustrial plot to destroy foreign nations from within, by infecting animals with suicidal impulses?
Well, no, it couldn't be that. American animals have been obsessed with death for decades and we're still going strong. Unless you consider our devastated econom—
Oh my god!