Saturday, April 12, 2008

Westport World-Class Crab Races

Here's how this most sporting event works: officials seed the marina with crabs (we love the word seed here, as though they went and planted crustaceans!), people try to catch them, and then they enjoy the crabs. Their enjoyment takes the form of "rac[ing] crabs on the track" and "stack[ing] 'em on a plate."

And take a look at the representative contestant. The checkered flag, long a symbol of suicidal animals, is hoisted high, like a banner. (We trust we need not explain the symbolism here.) We will remark that the crab is remarkably chipper about what is about to happen to him.

That "I'm a winner!" look on his face is precious. Hey, crab, you're all "winners." In other words, you're all losers.

The conclusion is inescapable: Forgive us, but the Westport World-Class Crab Races are the Special Olympics of crabs.


Noah said...

The inescapable conclusion I'm drawing from this post is that Special Olympians are losers. Is that really what you meant? This post oddly blames the victim by saying the crab is stupid rather than focusing on the folks who drew the crab. I'm confused all around.

Ben said...

Good lord! Are they boiling and... eating children who participate in the Special Olympics these days?

And I thought my little niche was horrifying!