Here's how this most sporting event works: officials seed the marina with crabs (we love the word seed here, as though they went and planted crustaceans!), people try to catch them, and then they enjoy the crabs. Their enjoyment takes the form of "rac[ing] crabs on the track" and "stack[ing] 'em on a plate."
And take a look at the representative contestant. The checkered flag, long a symbol of suicidal animals, is hoisted high, like a banner. (We trust we need not explain the symbolism here.) We will remark that the crab is remarkably chipper about what is about to happen to him.
That "I'm a winner!" look on his face is precious. Hey, crab, you're all "winners." In other words, you're all losers.
The conclusion is inescapable: Forgive us, but the Westport World-Class Crab Races are the Special Olympics of crabs.