Friday, February 8, 2008

Irn-Bru

I, Cow, being of sound mind and body… Or, you know. Close enough. Lemme start again.

I, Cow, do hereby declare that, um…

I'm sorry. I'm having trouble concentrating. I'm just excited, you know? Today is the big day! I'm finally going to make something of myself: food!

Okay, okay, this is serious. This is serious stuff. Okay.

I, Cow, do hereby declare that when I am at last freed from the burden of being, you know, alive, I have certain demands. For after, you know?

Am I making any sense? Do you need to edit that part out?

Okay, so here are the demands.

Demand #1: I would like the people who slaughter me to make insensitive jokes and hold my head up like a puppet and make it talk. With funny voices, you know?

Demand #2: Once I'm dead and drained, I would like people to say "Moo!" to me, as though they're talking to me. And then laugh.

Demand #3: This one's the most important. I would like whoever eats me in burger form to drink a particular brand of soft drink shortly afterward.

That's all. That's all I got. This makes sense, right? I mean, you must meet a lot of weirdos in your job, right? But this is perfectly reasonable, right?

(Thanks to Dr. Lise for the referral.)

2 comments:

Another Ben said...

Oh man. I always tell myself that maybe the animals in these pictures don't understand their role. Perhaps they don't realise that the sign they're posing for is advertising their own flesh as food. Perhaps they think it's all a game when the people gather around with knives and forks. Oh, good times.

Then we get the occasional animal who removes all doubt. Our faith in suicidefoodism is restored, and we can go about our lives in a perpetual state of horror.

bazu said...

HOLY crap.