Pork Jihad

A goldmine of offensiveness! Not content to rely on tired suicidefoodist rhetoric, the people of the Pork Jihad—no, that name isn't on the graphic, but trust us—complement the standard pigs-who-want-to-die with a rancid helping of sacrilegious hilarity.

But first, for the tried-and-true: This is one outfit that knows its suicide food! Having undergone thorough self-analysis, they can spell out their guiding principles. They've got a whole Bible-ish backstory, which includes this verse:

"The First Feast: 4. At this the herd of pigs sacrificed themselves, so that they may be packed into P-Ribby's colon as a bullet is packed into a musket."

The pigs want to die. They want to fulfill their destiny, to enact the will of God. So far, so good. We've seen this gag enough times to make us gag. But Pork Jihad gives us something new to chew on, something to offend a part of our brains usually ignored by the dedicated suicidefoodist:

"The Exodus: 4. He then fetched a pig as a sacrifice to Allah, and slowly roasted it for hours, making sure to preserve the natural flavors of the great and noble beast."

"Partake of the Divine Mana that is His slow-smoked goodness. Suckle His tender meat and become awash in His hearty sauces. Come, join His Mujahadeen. Take up the Jihad, declaring Holy War on inferior BBQ pork."

"And Allah said,
'Go out, and render helpless and
slaughter two of every animal.'
And it was good."

These quotes illustrate the full flavor of Pork Jihad's daring. For the entire enterprise is fraught not only with "humor" and the typical kill-'em-all-and-let-God-sort-'em-out tenderness, but also anti-Islamic sentiment. Pigs and Islam hardly go together like pork and beans, after all, and this pairing is obviously meant as a poke in the eye.

The Pork Jihad is stuffed full of contempt for pigs (hardly novel in the world of suicide food) and Muslims. Is that the "logical" extension of a pro-barbecue worldview? Does a love of barbecue lead necessarily to a hatred of America's purported enemies?

One wonders why they didn't take this all the way, though. Those cigar-smoking, all-American capitalist types hardly exemplify the stereotypical jihadist. They obviously represent the pig-headed contingency of Middle America.

Poor follow-through, that's what it is. They lost their nerve.