Saturday, December 19, 2009

Happy Third Suicidefoodiversary: a digression

It's been three years. Three long, please-please-make-it-stop years. In that time, we've given our in-house statistician plenty to chew on. And this is what he spat back out:

The Harper's Suicidefood Index.

Number of posts up to now: 559

Percentage of all posts involving pigs: 57.4%

Percentage of all posts involving cows: 23.6%

Percentage of all posts involving goats: 1.4%

Percentage of all posts involving snakes: .54%

Number of mustaches featured: 18

Number of stripper and/or showgirl animals featured: 5

Number of handicapped animals featured: 7

Number of royal animals featured: 19

Percentage of royal animals that are pigs: 63.2%

Percentage that are fish: 10.5%

Percentage that are crabs: 5.3%

Ratio of posts referencing soldiers to posts referencing hippies: 7:4

Ratio of posts referencing frogs to posts referencing golf: 4:3

Average noose rating (of all rated posts): 2.8

Percentage of all 5-noose posts featuring inappropriate sexual content: 24.0%

Average number of comments for each 1-noose post: 2.5

Average number of comments for each 5-noose post: 5.0

Percentage of all posts containing material referred to us by readers: 24.9%

Number of people who have threatened to report us to the police: 1

Number of wedding photographers who have suggested we be beaten until we leak: 1


Cavall de Quer said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and again:

Live for Ever, Suicide Food!

Wally said...

Gratz on 3 years footy

Luella said...

Why are pigs so goddamned suicidal? Is it because they're pink and plump, which obviously makes them want to be eaten? Pink probably also more closely resembles "white" skin than a spotted cow or yellow chicken. Just guessing.

Desdemona said...

Happy Anniversary BEN (if that is your name)!!!

Zucchini Breath said...

I'm sorry to say it but congratulations and thank you for documenting this horror.

Have a happy holiday if you can.

Anonymous said...

Happy Aniversary! I hope you celebrated it in suicidefood style, perhaps grooving to the stylings of Jammin' Joe or one of the many fine animal bands out there.

Bea Elliott said...

Hey sorry I'm late with the good wishes! Happy 3rd! May you rule the mighty web evermore! :)