Monday, April 26, 2010

Borden's None Such Mince Meat

Before we get on with our annotation, we must address an ancillary point:
Just what is mince meat? Is it minced meat? Well, no, not exactly. But it does commonly contain beef and/or suet, along with dried fruit and spices. And while we have (so far) been unable to confirm the ingredients of Borden's None Such Mince Meat circa 1941, we do know that contemporary Borden's None Such Mince Meat contains beef. We assume this is no recent development.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get on with it.

You may be confused, because you are seeing an unfamiliar reason animals might wish to die, a wholly original rationale for propping up a corrupt system.

Elsie sacrifices herself (her flesh, or perhaps merely her fatty suet) in the name of human conjugal harmony. If ever there were a principle for which healthy cows would have no regard, it would be the state of humans' marital arrangements. But here's Elsie waxing rhapsodic about the spark her bodily tissues have added to poor Sam's love life. (Now there's a sentence that could make sense only in Suicidefoodtown!) All it took was a bright red package of the eatingest, spiciest mince meat around, and Sam and, um, Wife are in the mood to copulate!

And the way Elsie holds her hooves beneath her chin as the humans' love fills the air! The way she imagines it's her spoonfeeding Sam that delicious mince pie—and, oh, if only it could be! The way she lives vicariously through her consumers, taking pride in the significance she has finally attained!

And just wait until they try her scrumptious cookies!

9 comments:

Julian E said...

I'm hoping that the cookies are just an unrelated freebie recipe for making cookies, and not a cookie recipe which actually involves addition of beef to cookies.

Ben said...

No, the mince meat is for cookies too!

M. Drake said...

Elsie should be up there with Charlie as a grand high ruler of the Suicide food animal. And Elmer, who promotes his own hooves being made into glue!

Ben said...

We were shocked to learn a few years ago that Elmer's glue does not include animal products. (Any more?)

Cavall de Quer said...

My father used to tell us the story of how a concerned hostess in the small town where he grew up once enquired solicitously of a guest if the mince pies (a traditional British Xmas treat - mincemeat in those days included not only suet, but minced offal - lungs etc, from the family pig) were good? The guest, who had just finished one, confirmed that they were delicious. "That's good", the hostess said - "we worried because the pig went blue before he died".
Happy days!

Anonymous said...

Who ever is responsible for this article needs to concentrate there misfocused energy into areas that might benifit society more so than crying over dead animals. Not everyone can live off of sucking leaves. Just imagine living in a world overrun with monkeys and cows as they are currently experiancing in parts of india. Food is food. Its all here to sustain life. Why dont you try going to Africa and tell a pride of lions to leave the little animals alone and eat some grass. I would imagine that you would find yourself on the wrong side of the menu in very short time. You far flung idiots reaaly need to get a life and stop preaching to everyone about how evil we are. Your included in our evil group too you know, or where all your ancestors leaf suckers too.

Anonymous said...

Are you people crazy or what..GOD put every living creature here for us. Read your Bible man...

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know where I can buy this?

Anonymous said...

Mincemeat cookies are a bit of heaven in my home, a tradion from my mother every Christmas. Mincemeat pie is a year round treat also.