Friday, September 21, 2007

Turducken King

Welcome to the Frankenstein's monster of "food." Turducken is the dish those decadent Romans would have worshipped if they'd had the time between bouts of ritual violence at the Colosseum.

Still in the dark? (Oh, to be ignorant once more of turducken's harsh reality!) Turducken is man's unkindest idea: a chicken crammed inside a duck crammed inside a turkey. says about it: "It's not just a meal, it's a conversation piece." (Apparently, its value as actual food is in dispute. So they suggest you buy it to fill awkward lulls in the conversation.) A better tagline would be "Turducken: It's not just a meal, it's a whole slaughterhouse on a plate!" Or how about just "Turducken: Fuck you." (Feel free to offer your own taglines in the comments section.)

What elevates this above the plane of the Ordinary Horrendous is the participation on the site's homepage of the turkey and chicken. No matter how ugly the food, the animals can be made to serve as apologists and touts for it.

"Get yours today!" intones the turkey. "It doesn't taste like chicken," the chicken meekly cheeps, as though to absolve herself from her share of the blame for taking part. Her blank gaze and unnatural posture betray a tortured inner state. One wonders, furthermore, whether not tasting like chicken is meant to be a selling point. Turducken: it doesn't taste like chicken! So... even turducken consumers—assuming there are any—don't want to eat chicken, either? Surely they could find something—anything—else to eat.

The duck, in his best Night of the Living Dead voice, warns "Vegetarians beware!" Yeah, you too, duck.

Addendum: Did we say "ugly"? Indeed we did. Behold turducken in all its similarity to a poultry explosion mouthwateringness.

(Photo not taken from Turducken King's website. For whatever that's worth.)


Anonymous said...

me, Rita, in fact.......
"We'll spare you the gory details"? "Wipe that drool off your chin and get dining"?

Turd - what? Can we please buy these people a dictionary - don't they know what a turd is? (spirals to floor foaming at mouth..........)

Francois Tremblay said...

Turducken kicks ass, you pussies. Maybe if you ate meat once in a while, you wouldn't be so weak and scrawny, or get so mad that you feel the need to take it out on the rest of us.

Ben said...

Oh dear. We have hurt Francois' feelings again.

human_wreckage said...

Sounds like forced cannibalism to me. The poor turkey spends his whole life eating nothing but grain and grass and whatever turkeys eat when BAM! after his death, he is forced to consume not one but two of his poultry brethren, simultaneously.

Anonymous said...

Turducken: It's not just a meal, it's a carcass festival!

Turducken: It's "foul" times 3!

Mutant Zombie Bird
Hit Dice: 4d8+8 (26 hp)
Initiative: -1 (Dex)
Speed: 30 ft.
AC: 17 (-1 size, -1 Dex, +6 natural, +3 hide)
Attacks: 2 beaks, 1 bill +8 melee; or 4 talons +1 ranged
Damage: Cleaver 1d10+5
Special Qualities: Quick reflexes, repels water, spreads disease upon excessive breeding
Saves: Fort +6, Reflex +0, Will +1.
Abilities: Str 4, Dex 4, Con 15, Int 6, Wis 2, Cha 7.
Skills: Obesity +4, Ignorance +2, Spot +2.
Feats: Pestilence Focus (birdflu)
Challenge Rating: 6
Alignment: Chaotic evil

Anonymous said...

Any food with "turd" in it.. 0_o and ppl are buying it??

Anonymous said...

Turkeys and chickens that don't eat their own, let alone their own young... not many of you spend time on a farm, eh? Let alone those massive factory farms... those places reek of dead carcasses...

Anonymous said...

I love meat... even if francois is tearing up... he's right, it's tasty. And turducken is delicious, though I'd suggest skinning the interior birds while you make pajamas from them so that the skin doesn't stay soft and underdone.

Anonymous said...

That was awesome, squeagle.

And benjamin--just a side note, but most people who go vegan or vegetarian loved meat at one point too. Chicken used to be my favorite food. :)

Anonymous said...

Looks like a still from a childbirth video. Really.

Anonymous said...

Yep, that's pretty much what I expected that nightmare monstrosity to look like. Sweet dreams, everyone.

eesh said...

Holy Turducken! Even when I wasn't vegan you wouldn't find me eating that!

Ben said...

How about a tagline, Eesh! Something like...

Turducken: No way in hell.

Anonymous said...

it Tastes like my wifes pussy. so good!