Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What We've Been Missing 5: a digression

Oh! Had we but known! Had we but received a glimpse of the gustatory ecstasies that could have been ours! We would have laid down our life's path among different lands. When this mood strikes us, we can't help looking on with longing at what might have been. And so, salivating, we put together lists like this one, our love letters to a limitless world of pleasures now closed to us.

As always, the food depicted here was prepared by professionals. Hard as that might be to believe.

(Our most recent installment.)

They call this one the Mousetrap Special.

Ribs have never tempted so cunningly. See the meat there, shed from its confining bones, freed from its bodily prison. Liberated! How it frolics!

When you process dead animals thoroughly—and we mean thoroughly—you are left with something that can only be called, um… substance. This can of textureless stuff, this tin of anonymous material—this meat, this "food"—represents the endpoint on life's dreariest journey.

Now this has got to be the most effective quit-smoking campaign we've seen in a long time!

What's that?

Excuse us a minute.

(You say that's not a smoker's tarry lung arranged for some reason on a platter amid garnishes of tomato and zucchini slices? It's what? Good god—it's meat?! No, of course. No, we just thought… Well, just look at it. Yes, yes. We will. Of course.)

Hello. Yes.

Well, apparently this is delicious, delicious meat. Just a big thing of wholesome meat.


Anonymous said...

rês is a head of cattle in portuguese. it is very similar to the latin word res, meaning thing. if the portuguese word rês derived from the latin word res (couldn't confirm its origin), then portuguese meat eaters have been consuming abstract meat since around 200 BC.

Ben said...

According to the wiktionary, rês does derive from Latin res and is cognate with French rien. Wait. The French aren't vegetarian. We're confused.

Ewwwww said...

Good call on the res thing. I did not know that (probably because I don't know Portuguese!) The word cattle (ultimate from Latin caput 'head') is a similarly commodifying word. Venison is basically 'that which is hunted.' Just 'things' to eat, man. Ewwww...

Ben said...

And mutton came from a word that used to mean "prostitute." We are profoundly confused.