Monday, May 12, 2008

Party with the Pigs: a digression

Truly, it's advice we never thought we'd have to give: If you receive an invitation bearing a pig and his knife, politely decline.

Exhibit A:

The relationship between this pig and his giant knife is depraved, to say the least. Clearly, he refers to the knife as his "precious" and together, they plot their elaborate revenge against a hostile world. When fellow pigs and their butchers alike have been sent to their makers, the pig plans to turn his darling on himself.

If you accept his invitation, you will wind up hiding in the bathroom, trying to jimmy the window open with a comb, trembling as he croons to his knife in the hallway: "We'll show them. We'll show them all."

Exhibit B:

Gilbert's Party Barn could be the first in a new series of poorly reviewed, low-budget slasher flicks.

Gilbert barely bothers to hide his evil intentions. "Why, hello," he says in his best Vincent Price voice. "I was just… getting ready for the party. Have a seat. And don't forget to angle your chin… up. Splendid!"

We have pushed them too far, these pigs, these universal victims. You remember The Day of the Animals? These pig hosts are urging you to prepare for The Day of the Pigs. It's coming. And when it does, the pigs will unleash their murderous rage upon the entire benighted human race. After which, they will drown your graves in their blood.

We've driven them to this, you see. No, not all of them will break, but for Pig (Party with a) and Gilbert, the barbecues, the sausages, the pepperoni were all too much.

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