Halo Burger

The congregation will be seated.

Our sermon today concerns Halo Burger, an institution dripping with religious iconography. There's the halo, of course, symbol of the Divine Dead. There's the "Heavenly" tag and a cloud, in case we missed the halo. And then, strangest of all, there's the legend "Thomas without a doubt!"

What could that mean? There is but one solution to the mystery: Halo Burger holds the cow up as their God and believes that only in their God's slaughter and consumption can they themselves find salvation. What's that? We are over-reaching? Not at all.

Have you possibly forgotten John 20: 24-29 and the story of Doubting Thomas?

(Ahem.)

24 But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.
25 The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the LORD. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.
26 And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.
27 Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.
28 And Thomas answered and said unto him, My LORD and my God.
29 Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

In other words, Bill Thomas—founder of Halo Burger—likens himself to the apostle who cannot believe Jesus has risen, until he can feel his savior's wounds with his own hands. Which in turn implies that the cow is likened to Jesus. Q.E.D. (Do any of you doubt this interpretation? If so, ask yourselves this: If not some reference to John 20, what in heaven's name would "Thomas without a doubt" mean?)

It is only through the cows submitting themselves willingly to The Plan, conceived in the plumbless depths of Eternity, that we can find peace in this life. And if it takes us seeing "the prints of the nails" (the marks of the grill?) to believe that all is well, so be it. (But holy cow! This has got to be the weirdest justification for meat-eating yet!)

Amen.


(Thanks to Drs. James and Jeff for the referral.)






Addendum (August '07): Apparently, our analysis has not gone over well with certain members of the clergy. One particular member, to be exact. Reverend Hamilton Upnose has taken issue with our reading of the Doubting Thomas story as it relates to Halo Burger. Reverend Ham? You have the floor.

“Your blockheaded interpretation is ass-backward! The reference is to Thomas without a doubt, not to Doubting Thomas. Here is a proper exegesis: We need not live lives of skepticism, demanding to see that the cow has died (or questioning that which has been whispered to us beginning in the cradle). The cow’s death and consumption are self-evident and sanctified. Halo Burger stands, then, as testament to the meat-eater’s imagined rightness. Tell me that doesn’t make more sense!”

Whatever.