Happy Third Suicidefoodiversary: a digression

It's been three years. Three long, please-please-make-it-stop years. In that time, we've given our in-house statistician plenty to chew on. And this is what he spat back out:

The Harper's Suicidefood Index.

Number of posts up to now: 559

Percentage of all posts involving pigs: 57.4%

Percentage of all posts involving cows: 23.6%

Percentage of all posts involving goats: 1.4%

Percentage of all posts involving snakes: .54%

Number of mustaches featured: 18

Number of stripper and/or showgirl animals featured: 5

Number of handicapped animals featured: 7

Number of royal animals featured: 19

Percentage of royal animals that are pigs: 63.2%

Percentage that are fish: 10.5%

Percentage that are crabs: 5.3%

Ratio of posts referencing soldiers to posts referencing hippies: 7:4

Ratio of posts referencing frogs to posts referencing golf: 4:3

Average noose rating (of all rated posts): 2.8

Percentage of all 5-noose posts featuring inappropriate sexual content: 24.0%

Average number of comments for each 1-noose post: 2.5

Average number of comments for each 5-noose post: 5.0

Percentage of all posts containing material referred to us by readers: 24.9%

Number of people who have threatened to report us to the police: 1

Number of wedding photographers who have suggested we be beaten until we leak: 1