Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge

What follows is a wholly speculative and fictitious transcript of the February 12 closed-door meeting of the Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee. While this is entirely fabricated, we trust you will find it enlightening.

Art Grunewald (Executive Director, Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee): I don't understand why this couldn't wait until the 16th.

Barry "Ches" Chester (Marketing Director, Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee): Sorry, Art, but I am fired up! The designs were just couriered over from MID [Missouri Identity, the graphic design firm responsible for creating the logo and collateral marketing for the Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge].

AG: Okay, well, we’re here. Let's do it.

BC: Now, the kid—

Maureen Little (Treasurer, Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee): He means Donny.

BC: The kid says these might be a little rough. He just wanted to get our feedback.

AG: Okay, okay! Can we see them already?

BC: Wah-la!

AG: What is the pig wearing?

BC: A leprechaun hat.

ML: Why is the pig wearing a leprechaun hat?

BC: Leprechauns. The Fighting Irish? You know!

AG: The Fighting Irish is Notre Dame!

BC: Yeah, so?

AG: So this isn't Notre Dame!

ML: Notre Dame is in Indiana.

BC: I think it works.

AG: How does it work?

BC: People love Irish stuff!

AG: Who says? I don't love Irish stuff!

BC: You like those biscotti at the Farron Street Café.

ML: Biscotti aren't Irish.

BC: What about St. Patrick's Day?

AG: What about it?

BC: You love St. Patrick's Day.

AG: It's not even in the right month!

ML: The ABBC is in May.

AG: And what does Ireland have to do with anything? This will just confuse everyone!

BC: That's where the apple comes in.

ML: There's a shamrock too.

AG: What is where the apple comes in?

BC: An apple in a pig's mouth says barbecue.

ML: Shouldn't it be an apple blossom?

BC: Our research shows that no one knows what an apple blossom looks like.

AG: Well, hell!

ML: It's a little gratuitous, don’t you think?

BC: How do you mean?

ML: The apple. It's like Donny just wanted to make everyone think of dead pigs.

BC: It's barbecue. What should everyone think of?

AG: Yeah, what? Leprechauns?

ML: I just mean, why do we need a smiling pig with an apple in his mouth, about to be barbecued?

BC: I don't understand.

AG: Why is he smiling if he's about to be barbecued?

BC: This is the Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge! It's the thrill of competition! The pride! It's all on the line!

AG: What the hell are you talking about?

BC: Abbie wants to win this thing!

AG: Who the hell is Abbie?

BC: The pig.

ML: Oh. Apple Blossom BBQ. A-B-B. Abbie.

BC: Yeah! It's cute!

AG: It's a girl's name!

BC: What about Abbie Herman?

ML: You mean Abbie Hoffman?

AG: Who the hell is Abbie Herman?

ML: He means Abbie Hoffman.

BC: He burned down some buildings in the 60s.

ML: He founded the Yippies.

AG: The internet thing?

ML: They were a left-wing youth movement.

AG: Why the hell is he on our logo?

BC: Maybe you should leave the marketing to me. It is my bailiff's wick.

AG: Your what?

ML: His bailiwick?

AG: What the hell's a bailiwick?

The minutes reveal that the meeting went on, much in this vein, for another 45 minutes. Of course, this is no more absurd than all suicide food-related business.