Friday, March 16, 2007

Spicy Dan's Premium Jerky


Our Dan is groovy as well as spicy. He's got the patched bell-bottoms, the sandals, the vest. The granny glasses. The headband. The scraggly goatee. The peace sign around his neck. He's got the attitude: catch his groovin'-on-nature vibe, the way he gives the world the thumbs up. He's a hippie and he is at one.

The cow—let's call her, oh, Rainbow—is a beautiful spirit, too. She's got the hooves and the horns and the udder and everything? Life is fine. The pasture is, like, green. I mean it's green, you know? And right there, with her every step, there's Dan. These two, they are, like, together. Togetherness is a beautiful thing, man.

But something's not right. Something is wrong. Rainbow's got the pasture, right? The fields? The green? She's smiling, you know? But the smile, it's not on the inside. Her heart isn't smiling. She wants to check out. As in check out. The pasture's not enough for Rainbow. But while this is going on, like, where's Dan? He's there, but he's, like, not there. It's almost like he wants her to leave it all behind and join the Universe, you know?

A theory: Spicy Dan is The Man. Ask yourself: would a real hippie sell out his sister? No way. He would talk her down. Show her the sunrise after her dark—dark—night! Wouldn't he, like, get her through this shit? A real hippie would do that. But that's not, like, Dan's trip. He's just thinking about all the jerky he's about to score.

Like, total betrayal.



Lisa said...


Jim said...

Sorry man. Like I was tripping out and like missed this. Groovy. I dig the threads and like where your head's at man. Peace.

Bob Crossley said...

WOW! Way to go Dan! Not only was it in bad taste to have Rainbow, a Holstein, as your mascot but she's a dairy cow!?!?! Maybe Dan should stick to Organic Butter and Hemp Yogurt.

Anonymous said...

I know plenty of meat-eating hippys.

Oh, wait, these aren't posturing idiots born after Star Wars hit theaters, these were people who stood up for Civil Rights and protested Vietnam in the Sixties. Real Hippys.

Sure, many real hippys are vegetarians and vegans, but it wasn't a prerequisite. Neither was owning a "Grateful Dead" album.

Fucking poseur.

Anonymous said...

Well written! Way to get into character.

Anonymous said...

Hey guys, I am the living breathing, real life Spicy Dan. I started my little itty bitty business years ago, right around the time the whole mad cow thing was going on. My whole idea was that the cow was happy (thus, not having mad cow.) Also, the whole hippie character came about because i was being "revoltionary" by having really good jerky that was way cheaper than the stuff you buy in the store. I even went as far as having the phrase as part of my image was..."Spicy Dans Jerky...the revolution in jerky, man". I actually folded up the business a few years ago, and was really shocked one day to do a search of my old business and see a blog started with my logo. I actually though the logo was really cool, and that if the jerky failed, atleast the merchandise would sell really well. I was wrong in both parts. Anyway, thanks for all of your thoughts and analysis. I thought it was amusing, but moving at the same time. Peace!