Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Cannuli's Quality Meats & Poultry

Wade through all the rhetoric about this "family business," and you're still left with those same old family values: disregard for the poor, unfortunate nonhuman animals and a celebration of them once they're dead and butchered.

One thing they do different down at the old Cannuli place: their Big Three includes a lamb! Gone—from their main logo, at least—is that tiresome old chicken. (That thing's always trying to horn in on the fun. Remember how the corn-peckin' hanger-on is ordinarily depicted. She usually occupies an "And featuring" role.) And the Cannulis more than adequately justify the innocent lamb's inclusion: "Lamb is a particularly tender meat and all the joints can be roasted," they inform us. "This is because lambs are slaughtered before their connective tissues become tough, so the tissues dissolve easily in the meat’s natural moisture during cooking." (I added the emphasis, but the dead baby animals added the flavor!)

The heart and intestines soul of the operation, however, is the pig, and he is one unabashedly suicidal creature. See? "Absolutely no apologies." Even positioned under the de-anthropomorphized pig spitted from anus to mouth, this pig is ready to pitch the pork. (And there's an unseemly figure of speech for you.) The Apple of Death has never looked so delicious! Would you be surprised to learn that Cannuli's Meats is often referred to as the "House of Pork"? Of course not!

It is here where the pig's death wish passes from creepy to just plain embarrassing. Yes, pig, we get it already! Your desire to be destroyed is overpowering. Yes, yes. But do you have to act like the lamb's tagalong little brother about it? Get some dignity, would you?

Finally, let us acknowledge that the Cannulis have a taste for the sarcastic, too. Check out their so-called "living logo" complete with rotating pig on a spit. It's a chicken-shuffling, flag-waving, that-pig-is-totally-dead good time!


Danial said...

At least the pig in the animated logo is frowning....egads!

RobNoxious said...

Oh yeah!

Dead Baby Lamb! Tender Racks! So much more tasty because of how it sickens you! Better than Mint Sauce.

Ah! I can almost smell it!

You are SO consistently hilarious!

Keep up the good work!

Aeolus said...

Your site is probably getting a lot of hits now. It is mentioned prominently in a column entitled "Charlie the Tuna and other 'suicide food' fallacies", by philosopher Mark Kingwell in today's Globe and Mail (the nationally distributed Canadian newspaper).

Comments like that of robnoxious, above, are of course familiar to any vegetarian. Never mind in-your-face deconstruction projects like Suicide Food -- a simple response at a dinner party like "No, thanks, I don't eat meat" is enough to get under the skin of such people. What is ironic, and indeed hilarious, is that robnoxious doesn't see that his "Meat, yum!" comment is a perfect example of what's being shown on this site: how meat-eaters pull the wool over their own eyes to avoid seeing what's in front of them.

Anonymous said...

Cannuli's burnt down today. Somebody died in the apartment above the store. I will be directing officials to this web site.

SamFromUtah said...

I'm sure those officials will be plenty interested, what with the utter lack of anything on this site that has anything to do with encouraging vandalism or violence against meat-eaters or establishments that cater to them.

Why not just blame it on "liberals"?

Anonymous said...

"Did we mention whole roasted human?"

Too soon?