Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Suicide Toys: a digression

Father: Happy birthday, Mikey!

Mikey: Oh boy! What is it?

Father: (laughs) Well, unwrap it and see!

Mikey: Is it a puppy?

Father: Unwrap it!

The child unwraps the package.

Mikey: Oh. A truck.

Father: Yeah, but it’s a livestock truck! I know how much you like animals.

Mikey: What’s a livestock truck?

Father: It’s a truck that takes animals to the processing plant.

Mikey: What’s processing?

Father: You know. Processing. But first, the truck takes the animals on a long, long ride. Remember when we went to California last year?

Mikey: Yeah.

Father: Same thing! Only the animals don’t get any food or water and the whole thing is horrible and lots of animals die on their way.

Mikey: (starts to cry) Why don’t they get food?

Father: That would be a waste! The animals will be killed before they could even digest it. What would the point of that be?

Mikey: They get killed? (sobbing)

Father: Sure! But they like it!

Mikey: (unintelligible speech)

Father: Now you can pretend to drive the cows and pigs and chickens to their death!

Mikey: (loud crying)

Mother: What the hell are you doing? How did you get in?

Father: I'm just giving Big Mike his birthday present.

Mother: I thought my lawyer explained this to you.

Father: Come on, Helen. It’s his birthday!

Mikey: Daddy wants me to kill chickens!

Father: I don’t want you to kill— I just want him to pretend to kill them! The animals want you to kill them!

Mother: Janet was right! You’re sick!

Mikey: (crying)

Father: Don’t you get it? The animals want to be killed! Besides, it’s good for Mikey’s imagination!

Mother: What the hell are you talking about?

Father: Imagining what it would sound like back there. The screams of fear. And my god! The smell!

Mother: Get out or I’m calling the police!

Father: I’m going, I’m going. Happy birthday, champ!

Mikey: (sobbing, unintelligible speech)

Mother: Get out!

Father: Remember, I’ll see you this weekend, champ!

Mikey: (crying)

(Image sources, top row: HobbyTron, GO Antiques; second row: GO Antiques, Truck Hobby; third row: Mega Hobby, unknown.)


Desdemona said...

"Now YOU can pretend to drive the cows and pigs and chickens to their death!"

Thanks for another heartbreakingly hilarious post; you rule!

Unknown said...

Just wonderful. Way to drive your kid vegan! (And also to the psychologist, I'd guess.)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for taking time to notice these horrid things. In a Tractor Supply store flyer, I saw an ad for a toy "livestock semi" like the one in the first photo.

I did a double take. "Holy s***. that's a slaughterhouse truck! For...fun, realistic slaughterhouse play?"

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, yummy, going to have a big old Porterhouse tonight, and grill protein in huge volume this weekend.

Ben said...

Oh, Mr. or Ms. Anonymous! From the rich variety of discursive styles available to you, to have selected the weakest! The "I love meat" gambit is the dullest in the verbal combatant's arsenal.

We expected more of you, anonymous blog commenter.

Unknown said...

Forget a verbal arsenal, BEN. I got your real-life arsenal right here. Sucks to not have a valid, science based, factual argument on your side of the fence (forgive the livestock pun). Ah, heck, I rescind my ask for forgiveness.

Blog all you want: blog, blog, blog. Reads like blah blah blah to me.

Everyday, I'm still raising livestock with care and consideration, all in preparation for hauling them to market in a road worthy, professionally designed and engineered, transport vehicle.

And yes, that same transport vehicle also hauls them from their point of purchase to their pasture, to the vet, and from pasture to pasture. Shocking, I know. I guess if you had your way I'd drive them their on foot? Old west style? As in Fort Worth to Dodge City? Are you kidding me? Hello, BEN? Anybody home?

And, even more shocking, there's a world full of consumers on the other end of this operation, eagerly waiting their chance to personally choose a protein product to purchase, take home, and prepare for their family's consumption enjoyment. Oh my gosh are you gonna lose your cookies, BEN?

You know, you can make your personal whack job choices. I'm not blogging about what a hateful person you are. Eat only veggies if you want. Great. They're yummy yummy in my tummy. Nothin' better than a home grown 'mater. But really, nothing complements it better than a nice slab of pork belly.

So it basically boils down to this, BEN. Make your choice and I'll make mine. But your high horse position (ohmigosh you sit on horses you equine abuser)doesn't hold water.

And I'm guessing that those are leather shoes on your feet, you hypocrite.

Gee, how can you blog so hatefully all day, everyday? It's taken so much energy, negative energy, in fact for me to type this short response. Are you that unhappy of a person that you have to attack the majority of people in this world because they enjoy animal based protein.

Did your mother not love you enough?

Good day, BEN. And bon appetit.

PS My first post didn't make the cut. Helicopter moderate much?

Ben said...

Oh, no! Now it's the Leather Shoes!

Thank you for warning us of the barrage of facts and science you unloaded on us.

By the way, we NEVER delete comments, unless they are spam. Your original comment was not deleted or rejected. If it's not showing up, we don't know what to tell you.

Desdemona said...

AG, do you mind my asking why you're so hostile? If you find this blog offensive, you're under no constraints to visit or read it. As you point out in your post, we're all free to make our own choices, whether or not the people who disagree think we're "whack jobs." While I understand that it can be challenging to communicate with people whose lifestyles are in pretty direct opposition to our own, but your tone seems inappropriately angry and personal.

For my part, I generally try to avoid blogs or reading/viewing matter with contents that upset or offend my sensibilities; since you obviously feel very strongly about your own personal choices, a vegan blog might not be the best place for you to spend time. Surely there are online communities, message boards, etc. where you would find like-minded people who share your ideology. Take care.

Anonymous said...

Come on Ben, you know you want it, that taste of meat. Just think of it as soylent red. Check out the September 08 edition of Esquire, page 180, for some great pics and photos of STEAK. Yummy! I am going to grill all sources of protein this weekend, and start it with a martini followed by glasses of Chianti.

Anonymous said...

He's guessing that you have leather shoes on your feet? What, is he stalking you and looking at you through the window?

Ben said...

Dear anonymous commenter(s),

This is getting sad.

Anonymous said...

Oh sorry, page 180 in Esquire begins the photos of Sarah Shahi (hot). The great steak spread (hotter) runs from pages 186 to 203. I do not work for Esquire, I am one.

miles said...

I don't buy this anonymous character Ben. You almost had me, but it's clearly just a clever ruse to stir up controversy and get more traffic to the site! For future reference, even omnivores know that vegans don't wear leather shoes.

bazu said...

wait wait- where does leather come from again???

miles said...

It's created by the shoe/couch/automobile-interior faeries in their magical garden! Obviously.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, eating a pig's belly sounds like a personal whack job choice to me. I'll take the 'mater, hold the rotting body parts please!

Trish said...

It amazes me how they all seperate themselves emotionally by calling it a "protein product" and "livestock", and putting them into a food word bubble of sorts.

Anonymous said...

Why yes, trish, I always enjoy my steak with a side of cognitive dissonance! It's the only way I can.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I love how it's THIS post above all others that brings out the butt-hurt in omnivores! They are obviously insecure in their choices.

Anonymous said...

I love the little "leather shoes" crack. That's just so idiotic. I mean, from the way they talked, you would think that leather shoes were the only kind of shoes out there and the only choice if you didn't want to go barefoot is to wear leather shoes.

Anonymous said...

Great post! Creative and well-written, and suitably terrifying. Good work attracting the flailing lunatic trolls, too, the little predictable darlings. Aww, look at them go! Precious.

Anonymous said...

Wow. This post shows an amazing ignorance of how the agricultural business works, especially how and when animals are transported and for what purpose.

Of course, since I can tell from the existing comments that rational arguments are apparently taboo here, I'll just remind everyone that beef products can be found in: insulin for diabetics and many other pharmaceutical products, paint brushes, furniture glue, wallpaper, building insulation, Jell-O, china dishes, ice cream, fire extinguishing foam, dog food, asphalt, candles, lipstick, hydraulic brake fluid, deodorant, shampoo, and bar soap. And of course, leather shoes.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

This was hilarious, Ben. Nice job.

Also I love when people threatened by vegans come out to whine. Keep it up, folks! I went through a period of obnoxious, angry denial myself before I went vegan. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. Someday you too will look back and say, "Oh good grief, how could I have said such stupid things about veganism without actually knowing anything about it?"

Anonymous said...

Whining sucks nards, no matter who's doing it.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a vegan or a vegetarian yet I can see humor in this. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

This blog post was brilliant; I hadn't been to this site in a long while, and enjoyed a good laugh at numbed society's idiocy. Thanks for creating this blog. I too, get sick of seeing all the false portrayals of animals by the exploitation/slaughter industries, whether they are painted as being treated well, or happy that humans are exploiting and killing them. It's a way to brainwash consumers so they don't have to question their actions, and explains why more than 55 BILLION land animals are slaughtered for food worldwide, and hardly anyone blinks an eye.

To the sadists who criticize this blog, you don’t understand it, as sociopaths wouldn’t.