Monday, November 26, 2007

Texas Pork Puffs

Texas Pork Puffs.

Texas Pork Puffs?

Texas Pork Puffs!

Before we can speak intelligently about this product, we must exorcise the name from our minds.

Be gone, Texas Pork Puffs!

Just as a remedy for an annoying song stuck in the brain can be the substitution of a different song, perhaps—please!—we can force Texas Pork Puffs out by inserting an equally offensive name.

At this point—after being awake for 34 straight hours—we'll try anything!

Here goes nothing:
Toxic Lamb Squirts™
Steaming Offal-o's™
Chocolate-Covered Piglet Parts™
I Can't Believe It's Not Tripe!™
Mucus in a Tube™
Hag-flavored Haggis™
Pillowcase Full of Hair and Band-Aids™
Honey Bunches of Gristle™
Instant Slaughter™
Damn! Texas Pork Puffs won't. Go. Away.

We continue this write-up under extreme duress.

First, it must be said that "cowboy" is the third-most flaccid rebel in the suicidefood canon, behind "rocker" and "biker." The prairie's rugged individualist, cowpoke, cowpuncher, the cowboy is always envisioned as a lone wolf, a man's man. Along with his prototypically rebellious companions, the cowboy is the perfect vehicle for suicidefoodism's putrid dominance. If the priests of suicidefoodism can tame these unbreakable stallions, who will dare defy them?

But look at this pig, with his little boots and his precious red vest! He's a company pig, bought and paid for. Chaps-wearing rebel? Bah! He prances around, eagerly shilling for the abominably named Cinnamunch cinnamon-flavored pork rinds. If any real cowboy faced an opponent who wanted to "puff" his and his people's skin and dust it with cinnamon sugar, the cowboy would plug that four-flusher fulla holes courtesy of his faithful shootin' iron.

But not the Cinnamunch Kid. No sir! This tinhorn just smiles and does pretty lasso tricks.

Addendum: Please, dear readers, suggest more loathsome product names, so we can get T.P.P.'s out.


Zena said...

My name for pork rinds has always been "pig peels," and I've thought that no sensible pork rind producer would use a name like that to market their product, but "pork puff" is not very different. What a disgusting thing. I'm even shocked that meat eaters can stomach this. (The stomach itself would be more appetizing than the skin... although, only slightly.)

On to the task at hand, disgusting made-up products. I offer you Tasty Tuna Tongues, Holiday Hooves in Syrup, and... the Osso Buco Bouquet (send in place of flowers).

Anonymous said...

better than blubber.

Unknown said...

Honey We're Killing The Kids Krunch!

Lisa S. said...

Pork Skin & Fruit Roll-Ups

Fatchan said...

I like those dried up bit of pig rear things you get in packets. Well I don't like them. But it makes me wonder why they don't advertise them as "BITZ OF BUM - tasty dried up pig ass! mmmmm!"

Anonymous said...

Haha that list of names was awesome. I'm not sure which one was my favourite.

Also, what do cowboys have to do with pigs...?

Ben said...

Okay, I've got more. (The sleeping pattern isn't back to normal yet, but this therapy seems to help.)

Glandy Andy™
Torso Soup™
Miscellaneous Sweepings™
Burned Alive™
Rectums 'n' Feet™
Bleedin' Bleats™

Anonymous said...

wow this sight sucks you speak of being intellegent yet your rantings prove just the opposite. any way you need to get a life and stop bitching about things that have no relevance to any thing important. ever think that mabye just mabye the product you loath so much is actually good? if you got past what they are made of and actually try them you might enjoy them. a company would not keep producing a product that doesnt sell so why dont you use your energy and internet capabilities to fix the employment crisis going on that would help a lot more.