Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Stone Ridge Meat & Country Market, Inc.

The Stone Ridge Meat & Country Market (in Wautoma, Wisconsin) is a regular animal-eater's Meat Mecca. Just look at this place!

They don't just sell every kind of meat under the Wisconsin sun—beef, pork, chicken, lamb, veal, fish, duck, game hen, turkey, goose, sausage, ham, bacon, bologna, etc. etc. etc.—they love meat. And it loves them back!

Case in point: their farmer mascot and his dear (but grubby), soon-to-be-dead-and-sausaged pig. The filthy pig is perfectly at home in the farmer's arms. Theirs is a friendship forged in the eater/eaten dynamic. Simple folk, yes, but simply happy.

It goes beyond men and pigs. Way beyond.

Any old feller can love a pig. It takes a real man to love a salami. Like this salami coddler*. What can we say? It's just the Stone Ridge style. It's a wondrous world of meat is what it is. Meat in all its forms, meat to satisfy every need, meat to fill every void.

This is the land animalvores dream of. Wisconsin might be America's Dairyland, but this one savory corner of it is America's Meatland: it's full of guys walking around caressing meat and soon-to-be meat. And would you believe? Using meat as recreational equipment!

Don't take our word for it. Witness the salami-used-as-an-inner-tube and be appalled awed.

We're not exactly sure what to think.

Stone Ridge appears to be some sort of suicidefoodism Ground Zero, the starting point for a new world order. A utopian neverland populated by meat—meat that wants to be eaten, coddled, sledded upon.

For all we know, one can come here and find meat that wants to be drafted into the military, sent on a scavenger hunt, and hollowed out and played like a trumpet. Meat with goals, meat with hopes, meat with silly, childish fantasies. Meat that demonstrates every propensity, exemplifies every personality, gives expression to every yearning wish! Meat, meat, meat! The sky's the limit in Wautoma!

And there's more!

Trust us when we say that we've shown you only a tiny fraction of what the Stone Ridge Meat & Country Market has to offer. For instance, year-round venison and wild game processing, complete with a good-natured buck who's only too happy to pose for the camera. (And presumably for the rifle blast, too!) That old joker—always getting in on the act.

At Stone Ridge, gunshots don't chase the game away. No, sir. They bring 'em running!

Yep! The animals in this joint are just dying to be killed!

*Salami coddler is the most offensive carnivory-related epithet we've come across since last week's bottomfeeder.


Anonymous said...

In regards to StoneRidge Tubing Park, the use of meat for purposes other than consumption should be outlawed.

Zena said...

I hope you're filing that salami-loving guy in the "sexy" category!

Anastasia said...

I came across this vintage French advertisement for pork that will probably haunt my nightmares:
Thought you might enjoy it.

Ben said...

Oh, it's hideous, all right!

Take a look at our discussion of it:

Anastasia said...

Ah, I should have known you'd already posted it!

Anonymous said...

That looks more like ring bologna to salami were harmed in the making of this mascot.

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